When Your Grandchild is Struggling

by Marc Dorfman

When you can see the struggle but are not the parent, helping effectively begins with understanding where you fit.

One of the more difficult positions in a family is seeing a problem clearly while having limited authority to address it. A grandparent may watch a grandchild withdraw, lose direction, struggle in school or work, misuse substances, become increasingly dependent, or simply stop moving forward. At the same time, the child's parent may already be worried, frustrated, exhausted, or unsure what to do next.

The instinct to help is natural. The question is how.

START WITH THE PARENT

Unless there is an immediate safety issue, the first conversation should usually be with the parent. Going directly to the grandchild can create a second line of intervention before anyone understands what is already happening.

That matters because grandparents often see only part of the situation. The parent may have been dealing with the problem for months. There may have been conversations, consequences, treatment, evaluations, financial limits, or agreements that are not visible from the outside.

Beginning with the parent is therefore more than a matter of respecting boundaries or diplomacy - it produces better information.

A useful opening is observational rather than prescriptive: “I've noticed that he seems to be having a difficult time, and I'm concerned. How are you seeing it?”

That question creates room for the parent to explain before the grandparent begins proposing solutions.

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ALREADY BEING TRIED

Families can appear inactive even when considerable effort is taking place behind the scenes. A parent may have arranged therapy, tried to establish expectations, helped with employment, set financial boundaries, or repeatedly attempted conversations that went nowhere.

Before deciding that more needs to be done, understand what “more” would actually mean.

This also helps reveal whether the problem is a lack of ideas or a lack of implementation. A family may know perfectly well what should happen: the young adult needs a job, a different living arrangement, treatment, better routines, less financial support, or greater responsibility. The difficulty may be getting those changes to occur consistently in everyday life.

That distinction matters because another conversation may add very little when the real problem is follow-through.

DECIDE WHAT ROLE YOU CAN ACTUALLY PLAY

Grandparents can be unusually influential because their relationship with a grandchild is different from the parent's. They may be able to listen without carrying the same history of conflict. They may provide perspective, stability, practical help, or a relationship in which the young person feels less defensive.

But that influence can disappear quickly if the grandparent becomes another authority figure issuing instructions.

The most useful role may therefore be narrower than expected. It might be listening. It might be reinforcing a decision the parent has already made. It might be helping with transportation, employment contacts, or a specific expense connected to forward movement. It might simply be maintaining a relationship while the parent handles the harder boundaries.

The important question is not “What can I do?” but “What can I do that actually improves this situation?”

BE CAREFUL ABOUT RESCUING

Concern can easily become accommodation.

A grandparent who sees a struggling grandchild may offer money, housing, transportation, repeated second chances, or protection from consequences. Each act may feel compassionate in isolation. Taken together, they can sometimes make it easier for the existing pattern to continue.

This does not mean withdrawing support. It means distinguishing support that helps someone move forward from support that makes it easier to remain stuck.

The same principle applies to the parent. If the parent is trying to establish a boundary, the grandparent should understand that boundary before unintentionally undermining it.

WHEN THE FAMILY NEEDS MORE THAN CONVERSATION

Sometimes everyone involved understands the problem and still cannot change what is happening.

The parent may know what needs to change. The grandchild may even agree. The family may have talked about it repeatedly. Yet daily behavior continues to reproduce the same outcome.

In some situations, this is also where Life Intervention may become relevant.

The work is not limited to identifying the right decision. It can involve helping translate that decision into routines, accountability, practical action, and sustained behavioral change in the environments where the problem actually occurs.

For a grandparent, the first step may simply be helping the family recognize that the difficulty is no longer understanding the problem - it is changing what happens next.

A grandparent does not have to solve the problem. They also do not have to pretend they cannot see it.